Monday, October 18, 2010


Yup, I'm knock up! I think I'm still in shock. Last Monday I was expecting AF and figured by weds my late period was from all the stress I've been under. Certain that pregnant was not the outcome, I bought a test to cause my body to relax. All the pms symptoms and none of the early peg symptoms, I confidently took the test.

All I can say is, time stopped.

Wholly shit!

While this is what what we've been striving for I don't think I was ready for reality to set in. I'm a planner and in disbelief we accomplished getting pregnant. The test showing two lines is safely in a cabinet waiting patiently to be public. I find my self going and checking it to make sure it is there. I never imagined that this plastic stick would occupy so much of my thoughts.

To be honest, I'm scared. Am I ready? Are we ready? Why haven't I completed all though things I wanted to do before getting pregnant? Will I really need to stop eating sugar?

I like being the only one that knows. I'm torn between keeping it to myself and sharing w the hubs. He will be so happy and I can't wait to see his face. Will tonight be the night to tell?

WOW, I am pregnant. Breath in, breath out.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Decisions, decisions

"did you manage to stay on track with eat-clean diet over the weekend?" this is the question on Tosca Reno Eat Clean post on Facebook. Uh, no. Actually BFN. I wasn't even totally on track to begin with. I find comfort in all the posts saying they too were not successful. It it true, comfort in numbers.

There were many posts of success. They made it sound so simple and easy. just plan. As a girl who loves a plan, I cannot seem to make a plan and stick to it. I find today a particularly challenging day. I've eaten anything that resembles junk food in our house. Mostly, because I'm bored and stressing about life and trying to conceive. While I sat on the sofa eating cobbler I ponder if my over indulgence in sugar is causing trouble with getting pregnant.

What I seem to realize day after day is I'm letting the bad decisions take control. I must work on that. Fresh beginning everyday and better luck this coming weekend.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Today, I consider a good day. 

Only had one slip up today which was eating dark choc chips after lunch.  At least it wasn't a candy bar.  I feel good about today, lots accomplished for work and feel like I did several things healthy.

jogged this morning, did an Ab workout
ate healthier food - clean eating
took dogs for a walk in the evening

I also took the time to add all the torn out pages of recipes from the Clean Eating Magazine into a 3 ring binder.  I'm hoping to go through one a week and pull out a few to plan for the week. 

On GMA this morning, they had the cheapest family in America.  They spend $350 a month on groceries for FIVE people.  We easily spend that for the two of us.  The main thing they talked about was planning.  So, my binder was my attempt to plan.  We'll see :)

What makes THIS time different?

I don’t know if this time is different. I truly hope it is. Over the summer I watched the Family channel show Huge about teens at a fat camp. The season finale had a scene where the camp counselor says to the teen that losing weight allows her to not hate herself “as much”. For some reason this scene haunts me.

While I’m not as overweight as the teens on the show, I do relate and have 15-20 pounds to lose. I’ve been maintaining within 5-7 lbs but when I get down just can’t keep it down. Do I hate myself? What would losing the weight “do” for me? Why can’t I commit?

So, here I am with the desire to “eat clean” and get back to working out hard. I’ve pulled out the recent issue of Clean Eating magazine and know I have plenty of tv to watch while on my treadmill. Now, I just need to DO-IT! Can I? Will I?

Monday, August 23, 2010

Its a new day - good or bad

I got on the scale this morning and was faced with my fear.  I've gained 10lbs.  Guess I should not be surprised my pants are feeling tight.  So, I'm going to see if I can get back on the clean diet wagon. 

I'm going to use my blog to track what I'm eating and to see what causes the downfalls.  I know I'm an emotional eater, so let's hope writing about it will help this flaw...

Today's food journal:
activia yogurt
small green salad and large roll
left over sushi

I'm making poor decisions today because I've let myself get too hungry and want quick intant meal.  hence, the random bad stuff.  If its here and easy - I'll eat it. 

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Round 2

I wish I could start the day over.  Its been a crazy work day with a great couple of hours at a spa, then followed with more work headaches and to top it all off prescription and pharmacy hell. 

I had done my homework the other day checking with our insurance on what is covered and what is not.  It was an easy answer...NOTHING.  So, thinking I would start another cycle of clomid, I called arounds checking self-pay costs.  Found my local Kroger was the cheapest $9 (or so they said).  I'm sceptical of this because when I got it last year with a previous insurance I paid $40. 

Today, i was prepared for the call from the doc about refill.  Well, they want me to try Femara.  Ok.  I assumed Kroger would be similar to cost, but wasn't $99 for 5 pills.  I authorized the filling and set to walk around the store for 30 mins..  It turned out after 20 mins they discovered they only had 3 pills.  On to the next pharmacy across the street.  Walgreens on the phone said 30 mins.  Another 30 mins wasted, I find out they filled my prescription at the walgreens closer to my house verse the one I had called and was at!  ARGH!! Finally, $90 later I leave my third pharmacy with the pills and head home.  I almost started crying from being tired and frustrated.  All I wanted was chocolate, but I refrained from breaking down and eating junk food.  At least one victory today. 

Once home, I jump online to learn about Vermara only to find they offer a coupon to make the prescription $10!!!  I could not decide whether to cry or laugh.  Now, frustrated even more, I go back to Walgreens and thankfully they refunded me $80.   lesson learned to not try to forecast what the doc will recommend. 

Monday, August 16, 2010

Wishin' and Hopin'

Its been an interesting couple of days.  I took a HPT on Sunday am before I went running and as suspected it was a BFN.  While I was disappointed, I knew what it would be.  Saturday I had cramps but they were different than my normal cramps.  They were lower and dull uncomfortable feelings.  Sunday I had some early spotting and started working through my feelings of knowing this month was not a success.  I'm glad my hubby was out of town so I didn't have to subject him to a day of junk food while watching cheesy LifeTime movies...yes, lifetime.  Thankfully, I don't remember much of it. 

I am not sure how so many women go through this roller coaster of waiting and hoping only to have BFN.  Their strength and stories I find comfort in.  They give me hope and reasons to not feel too sorry for myself.   Some are stories are so traumatic that I can't even image going through it, while others make me laugh out loud.  I'm very thankful they have shared their stories. 

AF is suppose to arrive in the next couple of days.  But with my spotting I know it is hours away.  While I've told a few friends who knew what was going on that I've started my period, I'm still secretly hoping I'm preggo.  I've started to wrap my head around starting the next cycle of Clomid and think I'll try not to over speculate what i may or may not be feeling.

Reality bites!

Saturday, August 14, 2010


Mother nature is truly testing my patience. I'm so used to planning ahead which makes time fly but not this week. Today is 10dpo and I've wasted 3 HPT.  I've been searching my body for symptoms of PMS or pregnancy.  I've had NOTHING out of the ordinary.  I did find a website which has provided me with some peace during this 2wk wait.  It takes your whole cycle and breaks it down day by day and marks when you should test.  Somehow, having this formal page tell me to test on Tuesday makes me calm down.

While I do think today was to early to test, I'm still disappointed.   I'm praying these next few days go by fast because I'm afraid I won't fit into my pants from all this stress eating...

~ The Red Head 

Thursday, August 12, 2010


I'm rather numb today.  I purchased pregnancy test yesterday will the intention to test on Friday which would be 8DPO.  But I took it this morning and it was negative.  I kept staring at it hoping a second line would appear.  Then I went back to the calendar and the web for comfort.  I haven't found any. 

I ran through my mind the last 23 days and I'm second guessing everything.  I really thougth we had done the deed when it counted but then I'm not even sure if I released an egg.  I guess it was too much to expect to get pregnant first month trying.  I just truly thought that taking the Clomid would make it happen. 

Now, I just wish AF would come so i could plan for next month. 

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Lovin' the hand held blender

So, a few weeks ago I purchased a Kitchen Aid immersion blender which I've been trying out with several recipes.  I bought it so I could make smoothies.  In my attempt to eat clean, I know drinking the smoothies from the stores are full of sugar and bad calories I was going to enjoy but healthy. 

My first attempt was not tasty.  The blender is great.  Put together fresh strawberries, scoop of vanilla whey power (cleanest on the market...NO sugar in any forms) skim milk.  I blended that together and it did not taste good, so I added some cottage cheese which was in a recipe I saw.  That did not improve the taste - go figure.  Needless to say, I had to drink it out of a straw and was not encouraged with my first attempt. 

Second try was much better.  I used frozen raspberries, three quarter scoop of whey protein, 1 banana and some vanilla yogurt.  I hit the jackpot!  this was yummy. 

Then with the success with the smoothie, I figured i would venture out with my favorite dessert...chocolate tofu mousse.  I had been making it with a small food processor which was too small and to many parts to wash.  This hand blender did the job beautifully.  It blended the tofu and melted chocolate just as well and only one part to wash. 

I can't wait to see what else I can blend.  I will be trying peach sorbet soon.  I'm thinking frozen peaches, vanilla yogurt and vanilla whey protein.  We'll see.  Now, I'm waiting for the Hubby to come home with pizza.  Balance the good with the bad:)

~ The Red Head

Monday, August 9, 2010


I can't seem to focus on anything but wondering if I'm pregnant. I wonder if I'm normal in my obsession (probably not). I do find that looking at the big things in my life when a decision or if I’m waiting for something, I find I have a lack of concentration. Once I have my answer I'm sure I’ll be able to get back to normal. I've researched, again today, feelings I'm having in my body looking for clues. I am starting to wonder how I’ll feel when I see a + and what my response will be. This has been such a roller coaster of emotions and to be honest I wasn't sure I'd ever be here hoping I'd be pregnant.

This weekend I struggled with food, focus but I did get up and jog 9 miles on Sunday. I try so hard to eat "clean" but when it comes down to making the choices I go for the want vs. what’s best for me. To tell you the truth, when I've made clean eating food its usually delish and very satisfying. I just wish I could defeat my desire for sugar. Dessert just calls my name. I hear it takes 21 days to make it a habit. Do I dare and make a bet with myself? I've been eating dessert for over 30 years, no wonder it’s hard to cut it out.

Pregnancy and diet topics are my biggest worries. I hope I get an answer soon, so I can get back to life.

~The Red Head

Friday, August 6, 2010

OPK strips are addicting

I was excited on Tuesday to finally get the 2 matching purple lines on the OPK strip and didn't freak out when it was still purple on Weds.  Thursday  i took THREE tests and two were definitely positive and I started to worry.  I spent the afternoon reading all sorts of info regarding if this was normal, OK or if my PCOS was causing the problem.  Needless to say, I took a THIRD test when we got home from a soccer game around 10pm and it was negative which got me excited again that I had O'd.  So, for good measure I thought I'd double check today at 10am with another test.  Well, I'm back to worrying a bit.  The line was very close if not the same color as the control.  I'm thinking the negative on Thursday is from all the water and beer i drank at the game.  Guess in 10 days I'll know. 

I am starting to worry that my PCOS is really going to play a bigger role in TTC than I/we had hoped.  I think our odds are good that there was potential for fertilization but those darn tests now have me worried.  I go back and forth because I did not have any surge signs until Tuesday.  I had been testing since the Friday before.  Now, I'll just be extra sensitive to what my body is feeling and wondering if it is AF or preg.  I have one more strip left, so yes, I will be testing again today. 
ARGH!!  Why is this so hard??

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Clean eating attempt

I'm making decent attempts at eating clean and now with the potential of being pregnant, eating healthy is on my mind.  I'm scared to gain too much weight with pregnancy.  I'm all ready 15 lbs over and its been a daily struggle to stay at that weight and my desire to be thinner is a constant. 

I really like the eat clean diet.  As much as I don't want to admit it, this is how my mother eats and its no wonder she is thin and if she wants to eat a bag of oreo's once in a blue moon, she  doesn't freak out.  So, I'd like to say my eating habits have improved immensely since I've gotten the book and tried recipes, but I'm still over weight.  I still struggle with the dessert and sugar that I use to satisfy some emotional eating. 

While I've found some successful recipes like black bean brownies, tofu mousse.  I tried to make her smoothie and it was just gross.  I bought whey protein which is the cleanest on the market (it has no form of sugar/sweetener) in it.  My smoothie had lots of fresh strawberries, milk, whey protein, ice cubes and cottage cheese.  IT WAS GROSS.  Not so much the taste but the smell.  It needs something and I can't figure out what.  I think the smell is from the whey.  I'm going to have to experiment. 

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Plan out the window.

Why do I even try? My husband and I have decided now is the time to start a family. Me, being the planner - got right on it! I had it so planned out that I would "ovulate" over a weekend and my hubby and I would spend a romantic weekend together. So, we spent the weekend in a nice hotel while I kept testing for ovulation.

I'm one of those obsessive people that when something is on a timeline and its NOT on time, I keep trying to make it get back on track. Of course, I don't have control of when my body decides to ovulate, so i do the next best thing. I take the OPK twice a day. I've researched ovulation timing/delayed and pretty much everything. Some makes you feel better while others make you feel worse. The wonderful thing about blogs and the internet is there is always answers.
Today, I finally got the POSITIVE that ovulation is on its way! Whoo-hoo! Just gotta say, its a lot of work getting pregnant.