BFP

Yup, I'm knock up! I think I'm still in shock. Last Monday I was expecting AF and figured by weds my late period was from all the stress I've been under. Certain that pregnant was not the outcome, I bought a test to cause my body to relax. All the pms symptoms and none of the early peg symptoms, I confidently took the test.

All I can say is, time stopped.

Wholly shit!

While this is what what we've been striving for I don't think I was ready for reality to set in. I'm a planner and in disbelief we accomplished getting pregnant. The test showing two lines is safely in a cabinet waiting patiently to be public. I find my self going and checking it to make sure it is there. I never imagined that this plastic stick would occupy so much of my thoughts.

To be honest, I'm scared. Am I ready? Are we ready? Why haven't I completed all though things I wanted to do before getting pregnant? Will I really need to stop eating sugar?

I like being the only one that knows. I'm torn between keeping it to myself and sharing w the hubs. He will be so happy and I can't wait to see his face. Will tonight be the night to tell?

WOW, I am pregnant. Breath in, breath out.

Decisions, decisions

"did you manage to stay on track with eat-clean diet over the weekend?" this is the question on Tosca Reno Eat Clean post on Facebook. Uh, no. Actually BFN. I wasn't even totally on track to begin with. I find comfort in all the posts saying they too were not successful. It it true, comfort in numbers.

There were many posts of success. They made it sound so simple and easy. just plan. As a girl who loves a plan, I cannot seem to make a plan and stick to it. I find today a particularly challenging day. I've eaten anything that resembles junk food in our house. Mostly, because I'm bored and stressing about life and trying to conceive. While I sat on the sofa eating cobbler I ponder if my over indulgence in sugar is causing trouble with getting pregnant.

What I seem to realize day after day is I'm letting the bad decisions take control. I must work on that. Fresh beginning everyday and better luck this coming weekend.

Progress

Today, I consider a good day. 

Only had one slip up today which was eating dark choc chips after lunch.  At least it wasn't a candy bar.  I feel good about today, lots accomplished for work and feel like I did several things healthy.

jogged this morning, did an Ab workout
ate healthier food - clean eating
took dogs for a walk in the evening

I also took the time to add all the torn out pages of recipes from the Clean Eating Magazine into a 3 ring binder.  I'm hoping to go through one a week and pull out a few to plan for the week. 

On GMA this morning, they had the cheapest family in America.  They spend $350 a month on groceries for FIVE people.  We easily spend that for the two of us.  The main thing they talked about was planning.  So, my binder was my attempt to plan.  We'll see :)

What makes THIS time different?

I don’t know if this time is different. I truly hope it is. Over the summer I watched the Family channel show Huge about teens at a fat camp. The season finale had a scene where the camp counselor says to the teen that losing weight allows her to not hate herself “as much”. For some reason this scene haunts me.


While I’m not as overweight as the teens on the show, I do relate and have 15-20 pounds to lose. I’ve been maintaining within 5-7 lbs but when I get down just can’t keep it down. Do I hate myself? What would losing the weight “do” for me? Why can’t I commit?

So, here I am with the desire to “eat clean” and get back to working out hard. I’ve pulled out the recent issue of Clean Eating magazine and know I have plenty of tv to watch while on my treadmill. Now, I just need to DO-IT! Can I? Will I?

Its a new day - good or bad

I got on the scale this morning and was faced with my fear.  I've gained 10lbs.  Guess I should not be surprised my pants are feeling tight.  So, I'm going to see if I can get back on the clean diet wagon. 

I'm going to use my blog to track what I'm eating and to see what causes the downfalls.  I know I'm an emotional eater, so let's hope writing about it will help this flaw...

Today's food journal:
activia yogurt
small green salad and large roll
left over sushi


I'm making poor decisions today because I've let myself get too hungry and want quick intant meal.  hence, the random bad stuff.  If its here and easy - I'll eat it. 

Round 2

I wish I could start the day over.  Its been a crazy work day with a great couple of hours at a spa, then followed with more work headaches and to top it all off prescription and pharmacy hell. 

I had done my homework the other day checking with our insurance on what is covered and what is not.  It was an easy answer...NOTHING.  So, thinking I would start another cycle of clomid, I called arounds checking self-pay costs.  Found my local Kroger was the cheapest $9 (or so they said).  I'm sceptical of this because when I got it last year with a previous insurance I paid $40. 

Today, i was prepared for the call from the doc about refill.  Well, they want me to try Femara.  Ok.  I assumed Kroger would be similar to cost, but wasn't $99 for 5 pills.  I authorized the filling and set to walk around the store for 30 mins..  It turned out after 20 mins they discovered they only had 3 pills.  On to the next pharmacy across the street.  Walgreens on the phone said 30 mins.  Another 30 mins wasted, I find out they filled my prescription at the walgreens closer to my house verse the one I had called and was at!  ARGH!! Finally, $90 later I leave my third pharmacy with the pills and head home.  I almost started crying from being tired and frustrated.  All I wanted was chocolate, but I refrained from breaking down and eating junk food.  At least one victory today. 

Once home, I jump online to learn about Vermara only to find they offer a coupon to make the prescription $10!!!  I could not decide whether to cry or laugh.  Now, frustrated even more, I go back to Walgreens and thankfully they refunded me $80.   lesson learned to not try to forecast what the doc will recommend. 

Wishin' and Hopin'

Its been an interesting couple of days.  I took a HPT on Sunday am before I went running and as suspected it was a BFN.  While I was disappointed, I knew what it would be.  Saturday I had cramps but they were different than my normal cramps.  They were lower and dull uncomfortable feelings.  Sunday I had some early spotting and started working through my feelings of knowing this month was not a success.  I'm glad my hubby was out of town so I didn't have to subject him to a day of junk food while watching cheesy LifeTime movies...yes, lifetime.  Thankfully, I don't remember much of it. 

I am not sure how so many women go through this roller coaster of waiting and hoping only to have BFN.  Their strength and stories I find comfort in.  They give me hope and reasons to not feel too sorry for myself.   Some are stories are so traumatic that I can't even image going through it, while others make me laugh out loud.  I'm very thankful they have shared their stories. 

AF is suppose to arrive in the next couple of days.  But with my spotting I know it is hours away.  While I've told a few friends who knew what was going on that I've started my period, I'm still secretly hoping I'm preggo.  I've started to wrap my head around starting the next cycle of Clomid and think I'll try not to over speculate what i may or may not be feeling.

Reality bites!